The following advisory for Americans going to The World Cup was
compiled by The US State Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of
Commerce, the FDA, the Centre for Disease Control, and some very
expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.
It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee
of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview:
France is a medium risk foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and
without very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as The Louvre
and EuroDisney. Amongst its contributions to western civilisation are
champagne, Camembert cheese, the pissoir and the guillotine. Although
France likes to think itself as a modern country, air conditioning is
little used and it is next to impossible to get Mexican food. One
continuing exasperation for American visitors is that people wilfully
persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted
at.
The People:
France has a population of 54 million, most of whom drink and smoke a
great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed, and have
no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in
general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and
undisciplined. And these are some of their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholics, but you would hardly guess
it from their behaviour. Many people are communists and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Jean and
Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American
travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps
and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety:
In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are
advised
that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition the
French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
shortage of Scotch whiskey and increased difficulty getting the
baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor
generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Great Britain beneath The English
Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the
government to flee to England.
History:
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
important historical figures include Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of
Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was president for
many years and is now an airport (often closed).
Government:
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though both
are on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullist or
communist - neither of whom is to be trusted. Parliament's principle
preoccupation's are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and
then acting indignant when anyone complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence (sic), the
President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not
available at this time.
Culture:
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever
made a movie that you would want to watch, except for the nude scenes.
And nothing is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an
evening with a French family).
Cuisine:
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is
just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand,
are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce
this word.
In general travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading
hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inns.
The Economy:
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany in
Europe, which is surprising because the people hardly work at all. If
they are not spending four hours over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with lorries and tractors.
France's main exports are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided
missiles, champagne, high calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, land
mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments, cheese and
clothes you can't wear.
Public Holidays:
France has more holidays than days in the year. Among its 361 National
holidays are 197 Saints days, 37 National Liberation days, 16
Declaration of Republic days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph
as if he won the war single-handed days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile
days, 17 Napoleon Called back from Exile days, and 112 France is Great
and the Rest of the World is Rubbish days. Other important holidays
are: Nuclear Bomb Day (Jan 12), The Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot day
(March 1), and The National Guillotine day (Nov 12).
Conclusion:
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and
a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it
weren't inhabited by French people. The best that can be said of it,
is it is not Germany.
A Word of Warning:
The Consular services of the US government are intended solely for the
promotion of the interests of American businesses such as
McDonalds,Pizza Hut and The Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event you
are seriously injured (at least the loss of a limb) or are the victim
of a crime, then report to the American Embassy between the hours of
5:15 and 5:20am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, where a consular official
who is supremely indifferent to your plight, will give you a list of
qualified dentists or veterinarians or butchers.
PS: What is The World Cup anyway, and why is it not in the US?
© 1998 by thorsten inc.